I remembered reading this article back when I was a senior at Notre Dame, so I hunted down the author, who was a freshman at the time (Dec '94 or so), and got her permission to post her article on my site.  Enjoy!  (Thanks, Jenny!)

WEEK IN DISTORTION

"Confessions of a Pearl Jam Junkie"

by Jenny Shank

Her name was Myndie. She was "perky." She was in such a state of inconstant excitement that it was exhausting to talk to her. She was a member of the New Kids on the Block Fan Club. She wore New Kids shoelaces. She was really inspired by their enlightened lyrics (e.g., "We met a lot of people/and girls" and "She's lookin' good/everything's in place, now!"). Myndie became incensed when someone disparaged the 'Kids. She was, to me, the epitome of a fan club member. This frightens me, because I have become one.

No, I am not a 'Kids fan, but I am a member of the Pearl Jam Fan Club. I don't have Pearl Jam shoelaces, but the sad thing is, if they were available, I probably would.

I subscribe to the Pearl Jam fanzine, which is written for and by freaks like me. In this magazine, I can read about what each band member was wearing at each concert, what songs they played, and in what order they were played. This information is somehow valuable to me.

I refer to the band members - Eddie, Jeff, Stone, Dave and Mike - by their first names, as if they were my close personal friends that I could call up and discuss Bosnia. When I am talking about them and someone interrupts me and asks, "Eddie who?" I reply, "You know, EDDIE!" as if saying it in all caps drives the point home.

I know things that normal people don't, like Jeff's home state (Montana), and Eddie's real name (Edward Louis Severson II), and Mike's favorite band (The Cheap Ones). I also know that the band is named after Eddie's great grandmother, Pearl, who used to cook up batches of hallucinogenic jam. Perhaps this overload of Pearl Jam knowledge is keeping me from excelling on my theology quizzes. There just isn't room enough in my brain to memorize all of Pearl Jam's lyrics and still remember when the Second Ecumenical Council was held.   Something's got to give.

I think I will start a Pearl Jam Club at Notre Dame. There are all kinds of interesting projects we could undertake. For example, we could try to figure out the recipe for Pearl's Jam. Then we could serve it in the dining halls and see if test scores plummet that week. We could launch a letter-writing campaign to get Eddie's picture on a postage stamp. Of course, we might have to wait a few years so that we'd have the option of depicting either the young, svelte Eddie or the old, bloated, Las Vegas Eddie. We could also pressure the Franklin Mint to issue collector's plates featuring Pearl Jam scenes, and porcelain Pearl Jam figurines. Of course, then we'd have to get one of those cabinets that people buy to display their plates. I feel kind of bad for those cabinets. The only purpose to their existence is to exhibit those plates. Does anyone ever take the time to admire the cabinet? No! But I digress.

The Pearl Jam Club could go on lots of excursions. For example, we could rent a bus and go visit all of the bars in which Eddie's gotten in brawls. Perhaps we could invite the people that Eddie's beaten up to be guest speakers at our meetings. The PJ Club could also go to vote as a group on election day. We could write in Pearl Jam member's names as election candidates. We could make up a bunch of leaflets extolling the benefits of welcoming Pearl Jam into your life and distribute them at airports. We could also go around distributing them door to door while wearing thermals, Docs and baggy shorts with really big pockets, asking people if they have a moment to "chat." After the people let us in to their living room, we could take over their stereo and refuse to leave until we'd played "Even Flow" seven or eight times.

I think Mattel should produce some Pearl Jam dolls. When you wind up the Jeff doll, he'd jump around and play his guitar. When you pull the string on the Eddie doll, he would say things like, "It's my BLOOOOOD!" and "@#$%@#!" There should also be a Pearl Jam groupie Barbie, who would chant "Ed-die, Ed-die, Ed-die!" continuously.

Pearl Jam recently fired their drummer, Dave. This saddened me, but I have come to accept the fact that Pearl Jam works in mysterious ways. Pearl Jam's original drummer was also named Dave. So, in order to increase my chances of being selected as the next drummer, I am going to legally change my name to Dave. Then all I'll have to do is learn how to play the drums.

I am an Arts and Letters major, so if the drumming thing doesn't work out, I'll probably end up supporting myself by selling velvet Vedder portraits on a street corner somewhere. So, be sure and buy one from me. I know Myndie will.


This is a humorous column. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of Scholastic Magazine.

Dan's Pearl Jam Page
Group pics: page 1 / page 2 / page 3 / page 4 / B&W 1 / B&W 2
Stone pics / Jeff pics / Mike pics / Jack pics
Ed pics: page 1 / page 2 / page 3 / page 4 / page 5 / page 6 / page 7
page 8 / page 9 / B&W 1 / B&W 2 / B&W 3 / B&W 4
exclusive pics: index / 1996: Toronto & Toledo / Cork & Dublin / 1998: Maui / Denver
Alpine Valley / Chicago / St. Louis / Kansas City / Portland / Vancouver / Seattle / Indy / East Lansing
Toronto / Detroit / Pittsburgh / Cleveland / West Palm Beach / 1999: TFC / Bridge / HoB
2000: London2 / Dublin / Glasgow / Manchester / Cardiff / Poland / Berlin / Oslo / Stockholm
VA Beach / Charlotte / Greensboro / Atlanta / Tampa / Nashville / Indy / Cincinnati
Columbus / Philly / Wash DC / Pittsburgh / Montreal / Detroit / Alpine Valley / Chicago / Nader
St. Louis / Kansas City / Lubbock / Phoenix / Las Vegas / Greek / Fresno / Sacto
Portland / Boise / Seattle 1 / Seattle 2 / 2002: Showbox 1 / Showbox 2 / Seattle
2003: Yokohama / Tokyo / Nagoya / San Antonio / Houston / New Orleans / Birmingham
West Palm Beach / Tampa / Charlotte / Nashville / Atlanta / Lexington / Champaign / State College
Santa Barbara
other pics: Memorabilia & Albums / No Code Cards / submitted / submitted2 / other pics
calendar pics: 1994 / 1996 / 1997 / 1998 / 1999 / 2000a / 2000b
Art /Articles / Captured Video Images / MP3 Songs & Ed Quotes / Links
my CD-R list / CD art / 1996 Tour Dates / 1998 Tour Dates / 2000 Tour Dates

If you have any comments, questions, suggestions, complaints, etc.,
or own the copyright to any of these pictures and want them removed,
please e-mail me. Thanks -- Dan Grenough